There seems to be an epidemic.  Girls across their country are leaving their boyfriends for not being like Edward Cullen.  Soon, I fear that our birthrates will plummet, our lives will be ruined and our women will be hunched in a fetal position waiting for their vampiric messiah to come.  But I have a solution!  Having read the first Twillight book at the behest of my ex girlfriend, I shall teach my fellow men how to become a true stalker creep hellspawn romantic!  This road will be arduous and only for few, but if you manage to nail the role of Edward, you will have enough lonely girls to last you a lifetime.

1) You need to start brooding, incessently.  In the middle of class, just hunch over your desk and start contemplating deeply.  Make sure your brow is as defined as your angst is.  If someone asks you what is wrong, just give them a condiscending sneer and tell them a) you couldn't contemplate your pain or b) they are an inferior waste of carbon atoms and that they should treasure life as a mortal.  Because being an immortal slave cursed with super strength, super attractiveness, super angst and occassional super powers is a fate worse than death itself.

2)  Have periods of light brooding to extreme brooding.  Buy colored contacts to facilitate this.  When you feel like you are in a good mood, put in one pair and just brood every other hour, or more so if you see a particularly attractive girl.  When in a bad mood, put in the other pair and glare at any girl you are attracted to, and when they meet your gaze, look away in disgust.  But remember, no matter which mood you are in, you need to have no personality whatsoever.  They will fall for you in minutes.  Bitches LOVE bipolarity.

3)  Learn how to treat your woman properly.  As with your slight bipolarity, learn to rotate between two main behaviors.  When in a good mood, act like an aloof gentleman without any semblance of personality and make sure you reiterate how much you love your woman.  But when things get heavy, tell your girl how close you are to sucking her blood and rend her mortal coil.  If you think drinking blood is abhorent creepy as hell in poor taste, just say you are inches from beating her.  It's very romantic.

4)  Learn to read minds.  There is surely a martial arts dojo to facilitate this.  If your woman asks you about your talent, say that your gift is in fact a curse due to the mundane thoughts of the plebians.  Just be as snooty as possible.  But remember, you can't read your woman's mind.  That's the IMPORTANT part.  She's very mysterious.  Instead, you just read everyone elses mind to find out EVERYTHING about her. 

5)  Become a creeper.  Now, this may not seem advisable at first, but follow me here.  Just watch her sleep a few nights a week.  All night.  Maybe smell her hair and sample her blood.  Tell her about this when she asks.  And tell her she talks about you in her sleep.  Remember to brood and glare when you stalk.  That pushes it from "Stalkerific", to "ROMANTIC <33333333333333333333"

6)  Look the part.  This is the toughest part.  You should have colored contacts, as mentioned before in section two.  Your hair should be as blonde as the nearly ripe grain, and your skin needs to be as white as marble.  This part is vital.  SMEAR GLITTER UPON YOURSELF.  Everywhere.  You are going to need to sparkle like a disco ball in the sun.  If you start to blind people by walking past them on a particularly bright day, you're close to your goal of Sparklyness per Square Inch.

7)  Find a group who shares your passion.  You are going to need a whole vampire posse to pull this off, really.  Find a couple of boys and girls who either want to attract the ladies by being the next Nosferatu or maybe some albino kids with glitter issues.  Be as snobbish as the popular kids on TV shows.  Sit with only each other at lunch and only speak to one another.  To really drive this home, have random glare sessions.

Now, if you have followed my seven step plan, you should be...

1) Brooding, or  MYSTERIOUS.
2) Bipolar, or PASSIONATE.
3) Posssessing no personality, or CONTEMPLATIVE.
4) Borderline abusive, or CARING.
5) Invasive, or CONCERNED.
6) Stalkerific, or ROMANTIC.
7) Sparkly, or OMFG TEH HOTNESS.
8) Snobby, or GENTLEMANLY.


Just like our favorite vampire!  The chicks will be after you in no time!  Happy hunting!

10) 5:30 AM swim practices.
Something makes me feel good about myself when I wake up at 4:40 to get in a freezing cold pool, knowing I still have another swim practice and a 5 mile run left.

It feels like victory.  Or lactic acid.

9) Wendy Jo Nagy.
She is quite possibly the nicest woman in the world, seriously.  I can't wait for county chorus tomorrow, it's gonna kick some major ass.  Especially with Mrs. Nagy as our noble, slightly insane guide.

8) Sophocles.
Here, let me summarize Antigone for you.  Two sisters go to a palace, one of them buries their dead brother illegally, the king gets angry, and then ALMOST EVERYONE DIES OR HAS THEIR LIFE UTTERLY RUINED.  The Greeks knew how to make depressing plays like the best of them.

7) Stoichiometry
Mrs. Luke may be an overly hyper young woman, but you have to love her and her class.  Unless you're soulless.  Or on the football team.  Yes there is a difference.  I just have yet to find it.

6) Jessica Schocker
My sister is coming home for Thanksgiving!  I am pumped.  We are gonna swim together and run the Turkey Trot.  And get caught up on reality tv, mayhap?  The sky is the limit!

5) Mad science in general
Screw chemistry.  I like science in general.  I found out you could make ice cream with liquid nitrogen.  I am so going to do that one day. What do you mean it's not awesome?

4) Winter
There is something magical about 35 degree running weather and sun set at 5:30.  It makes you feel like a MAN.  I pity the fools living in Florida, who have 50 degree winters.  Suck on my ice, Floridians!

Although snow is still rather evil.

3) Football team locker rooms.
Now, Dean Rossi is a bit predisposed to football.  Justifiably, because football brings about all the athletic office's revenue in.  The Golden Tigers happened to lose Friday though in the play offs, so they are done for the year.  And guess what team gets to use their carpeted, beautiful, and hygenic locker room?

The answer is the swim team.  Or more accurately, Dan Dan Superman.

2) Aida.
School play was a few days ago.  It was pretty awesome.  Adam has a great singing voice.  Deanna Delozier was very good looking.  Andrew Pramuck kicked ass.  Holly Mercer made me pity the poor, poor Nubians.  And the plot was kind of funny.  Who did not win?

1) Making inane lists to pass the time before I go to bed.
Next time I write!  10 Things I Dislike About You!  10 Reasons why Oedipus Should Have Been a Monk!  5 Reasons Why Deb May Be Stalin's Wife!  Same Dan time!  Same Dan URL!

I haven't updated in a while.  I am sure this update is going to be just the fix you are looking for!
Sarcasm is oh so witty.
School and swimming be stressful.  I got a 99 average last marking period, which I was pretty ecstatic about.  I tried hard and I managed to pull something good off.  This marking period isn't so great, however.  I barely got an A in health, mainly because I just (correctly) considered  it to be a blow off course.  Whatever.  AP Euro is tough.  Deb may be a great person and swim coach, but she has a few failings as a teacher.  Like believing she can just have us teach ourselves, and justifying it because we are in a "college level course".  Well colleges hire professors for a reason, Debrah.  Ah well.  Swimming isn't particularly fruitful.  I want to make states for a non relay event.  I  need to drop almost 5 seconds from my 50 time.  What a fun season this shall be.
If you aren't going to be the best, why try?
So today was not very fun.  I woke up an hour late, but that isn't that bad since I got to, you know, sleep.  Today was the Anderson's birthday party.  And there was ice skating with Meg.  And Wes also came back.  And my sister also came back.  And Adam also invited me to go see a movie with him.  This made me rather conflicted.  I ended up choosing the Anderson's, but I was a bit conflicted.  I feel guilty for missing Wes, not spending time with my sister, and for not hanging out with Adam for something.  Way to make me feel like a dick, life.  God damn you, coincidence.  Burn in hell, contrivity!
Sometimes you cross a point that you can't go back from.
Ah, I am gonna research and then go to bed.  For some reason, I have a really good memory of today from last year.  I was really different, back then.  I really didn't care about school, that much.  And exercise was a literal nonissue to me.  I was a lot more cynical.  It just really puts things into perspective for me.
Who am I really becoming?
-Dan.